Children and shyness

A shy child is anxious or inhibited in unfamiliar situations or when interacting with others. A shy child is most likely to be nervously constrained if they feel they are ‘on show’, such as when meeting someone new or having to speak in front of others. A shy child is much more comfortable to watch the action from the sidelines rather than join in.

Most children feel shy from time to time but the lives of some are severely curtailed by their shyness. Children who suffer from extreme shyness may grow out of it as they mature or they may grow up to be shy adults.

Parents can help their children to overcome mild shyness

In severe cases, professional help may be advisable. Constant and severe shyness can reduce the quality of a child’s life in many ways, including: Reduced opportunities to develop or practise social skills.

Fewer friends

Reduced participation in fun and rewarding activities that require interaction with others, such as sport, dance, drama or music. Increased feelings of loneliness, unimportance and reduced self-esteem. Reduced ability to reach full potential because of their fear of being judged.

High anxiety levels

Embarrassing physical effects such as blushing, stammering and trembling. Shy behaviour is associated with a number of positive behaviours including: Doing well at school.

Behaving and not getting into trouble

Listening attentively to others

Being easy to look after

Some of the possible causes of shyness, often working in combination, may include:

• aspects of personality can be decided at least in part by the individual’s inherited genetic makeup. – emotionally sensitive
• easily intimidated babies are more likely to grow up to be shy children. – children learn by imitating their most influential role models
• their parents

Shy parents may ‘teach’ shyness to their children by example. – children who don’t feel securely attached to their parents or who have experienced inconsistent care-giving, may be anxious and prone to shy behaviour. Overprotective parents may teach their children to be inhibited and afraid, especially of new situations.

If a child acts shy in a social situation, they may berate themselves for their behaviour afterwards. This self-reproach can make them more self-aware and self-judgemental and actually increase the likelihood of the child behaving shyly in future. As time goes on, their confidence and self-esteem may start to falter.

The less confident a child feels, the more likely they are to behave in a shy way. Parents are very influential in their children’s lives – probably much more than parents realise.

Suggestions include: Be careful not to label your child as ‘shy’

Children (and adults) tend to live up to the labels others give them. Don’t let other people label your child as shy either. Never criticise or mock your child when they are shy.

Be supportive, empathic and understanding

Encourage your child to talk about the reasons for their shyness – what are they afraid of? Tell your child about times in your life when you have been shy and how you overcame it. Since young children often see their parents as perfect, admitting to your own shyness can make your child feel better and reduce their overall anxiety.

Be outgoing yourself

Model confident behaviour and lead by example

It is possible for the parent to encourage their child to be more outgoing. Strategies depend on the individual child and circumstances but can include: Share personal coping strategies you’ve learned over the years on overcoming shyness.

Practice these strategies with your child

Tell your child about the many advantages of not being shy.

Offer examples from your own life

Encourage outgoing behaviour

Praise your child when they handle an unfamiliar situation or meet a new person without resorting to shyness. Try goal-setting with your child.

Aim for small, incremental steps and praise them for their progress

For example, saying ‘hello’ to another child may be a big first step.

Deliberately take your child into new situations

Aim for small changes in behaviour first and gradually build up.

For example, reward a child if they greet someone who is new to them.

Be supportive

Make sure your child is allowed to excel in what they do best.

Praise them for skills they have mastered

If your child’s shyness is especially debilitating, you may like to consider professional help from a.

Treatment options include: social skills training

Complications of shyness Shyness has positive aspects too Possible causes of shyness Genetics Personality Learned behaviour Family relationships Lack of social interaction Harsh criticism Fear of failure The vicious cycle Parental attitudes are crucial Strategies for the parent Professional help counsellor or psychologist stress management relaxation strategies counselling sessions Where to get help Your GP (doctor) Psychologist Parentline 13 22 89 Kids Helpline 1800 551 800.