Family conflict

Conflict can happen when family members have different views or beliefs that clash. Sometimes conflict can occur when people misunderstand each other and jump to the wrong conclusion. Issues of conflict that are not resolved peacefully can lead to arguments and resentment.

It is normal to disagree with each other from time to time.

Occasional conflict is part of family life

However, ongoing conflict can be stressful and damaging to relationships. Some people find it difficult to manage their feelings and become intentionally hurtful, aggressive or even violent. Communicating in a positive way can help reduce conflict so that family members can reach a peaceful resolution.

This usually means that everyone agrees to a compromise or agrees to disagree. Sometimes, strong emotions or the power imbalances that can be present in relationships are difficult to resolve and can only be addressed in a counselling situation. It is well recognised that some of the stages a family goes through can cause conflict.

These may include:

• A young person becoming an adult. Each of these stages can create new
• different stresses
• potential conflict. Changes in the family situation can also take a toll on the family
• contribute to conflict

This may include events such as: Commuting interstate for work.

Change in financial circumstances

The opinions, values and needs of each parent can also change and they may find they are no longer compatible. Usually, our first angry impulse is to push the point that we are right and win the argument at any cost. Finding a peaceful resolution can be difficult, if not impossible, when both parties stubbornly stick to their guns.

It helps if everyone decides as a family to try listening to each other and negotiating instead. Suggestions include: Work out if the issue is worth fighting over.

Try to separate the problem from the person

Try to cool off first if you feel too angry to talk calmly. Keep in mind that the idea is to resolve the conflict, not win the argument. Remember that the other party isn’t obliged to always agree with you on everything.

Define the problem and stick to the topic

Respect the other person’s point of view by paying attention and listening.

Talk clearly and reasonably

Try to find points of common ground

Agree to disagree

Conflict can escalate when the people involved are too angry to listen to each other.

Misunderstandings fuel arguments

Suggestions include: Try to stay calm.

Try to put emotions aside

Don’t interrupt the other person while they are speaking. Actively listen to what they are saying and what they mean.

Check that you understand them by asking questions

Communicate your side of the story clearly and honestly. Resist the urge to bring up other unresolved but unrelated issues. Once both parties understand the views and feelings of the other, you can work out a solution together.

Suggestions include: Come up with as many possible solutions as you can.

Be willing to compromise

Make sure everyone clearly understands the chosen solution

Once the solution is decided on, stick to it. Write it down as a ‘contract’, if necessary. There are services available to help family members work through difficult issues of conflict. Seek professional advice if you think you need some assistance.

Common causes of family conflict Learning to live as a new couple Birth of a baby Birth of other children A child going to school A child becoming a young person Separation or divorce Moving to a new house or country Travelling long distances to work Agreeing to negotiate Try to listen Work as a team Professional advice Where to get help Your GP (doctor) Parentline 13 22 89 Family Relationship Advice Line 1800 050 321 , 8am to Midnight, 7 days a week Other parents Family counsellor.