Grief

A person may feel that the storm has passed, but then be surprised when the next storm strikes. These sudden temporary upsurges in the grief storm can be particularly strong when there is an anniversary or significant event (such as the anniversary of the death or funeral, Christmas or the birthday of the person who has died) or when memories are triggered (such as by a piece of music or a particular smell).

It is important to recognise that grief is a normal experience and that the process of grieving does require experiencing the pain that accompanies the loss of a loved one.

Grief is a process, not an event. It is a journey, not a destination.

Grief is something that everyone experiences differently

There are many factors that can influence a person’s experience of grief, including: the nature of the relationship with the deceased person (for example, close, loving, remote, difficult or troubled) associated stresses (for example, financial difficulties, job loss, relationship breakdown). Everyone grieves in their own way and, provided you are not causing harm to yourself, or those around you, there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to grieve.

Generally, there are two broad styles of grieving, but most people experience a combination of both.

They are:

– people seek out social support
tend to focus on the emotional aspects of their loss
managing their feelings – people tend to focus on the cognitive (thinking) aspects of their loss

They may grieve through activities and problem solving

This style tends to be more solitary and private, focusing on managing the thoughts that arise. Misunderstandings about the grieving process can make the bereaved person question their feelings and sanity. Understanding what grief can be like, finding ways to safely express strong emotions, and coming up with coping strategies can help you endure the pain that accompanies grief.

There used to be a widely held belief that a person progresses through various stages of grief such as denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance. We now know that grief includes a wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviours and that it doesn’t help to think that grief will always happen in a predictable and orderly way.

Everyone moves through grief in their own unique way and each individual may experience it very differently.

Believing that grief follows predictable stages can lead to the expectation that a bereaved person will put the experience behind them within a certain time. The reality, however is that grief doesn’t have a timeline, and most of us will continue to grieve in subtle ways for the rest of our lives – even when we seem to be getting on with life.

Grief includes a wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviours.

You may experience some or all of the following reactions, as well as many that aren’t included in the list. Some of the many reactions associated with grief are:

shock disbelief. Children adolescents typically use different ways of coping with loss to those used by adults

Children may look to the adults around them to learn how to respond to the experience. A child needs timely, clear and direct information.

They should also be allowed to ask questions

Attending the funeral and having an opportunity to view the body are important rituals.

You should encourage and support, but not force, a child to participate in these

Ways of coping for young people sometimes create tension with adults.

For example, they might play music and spend more time with their friends. The typical adolescent is dealing with the normal issues of independence and separation from parents. These developmental tasks can make it harder for them to accept support from the adults around them.

Research shows there are clear links between the experience of grief and ill health.

Grief can disturb your immune system

Health effects can range from headaches, nausea, aches and pains, colds, influenza, anxiety, depression, and sleeping and eating difficulties, through to thoughts of suicide and an increased risk of acquiring various forms of disease.

If you are concerned, or physical symptoms persist, seek help from your doctor or a health professional.

You may need to experiment to find out which strategies are most helpful for you.

some people feel that crying isn’t appropriate. They are afraid that once they start crying
the tears won’t stop. If you feel the need to cry
go ahead
do it. Crying is a normal human response to intense feelings

However, if there are no tears, it does not mean there is no grief.

If possible, cry with someone, but many people prefer to cry alone, which is okay too – if you feel the need, schedule some time alone each day to focus on your feelings and express them in whichever way feels natural to you.

For example, you may choose to cry, look through photographs of your loved one, engage in a religious or spiritual activity, or write a diary – sometimes, people engage in physical activity as a way of releasing tension and distracting themselves from the intensity of grief – schedule time to grieve as a family.

This could include talking about the deceased person, crying together and sharing your feelings – include activities in your daily or weekly schedule that you enjoy. Choose the activity, if you can, that brings the greatest comfort – actively seek out support if you need it. This could include friends, workmates, doctors, community health centres, bereavement support groups or professional counsellors – you may want to write letters to the deceased person, plant a memorial tree, put together a special photo album or commemorate their life in whichever ways feel meaningful to you and those close to you – see your doctor for help and referral if you feel unsafe: for example, if you are distressed enough to want to hurt yourself or someone else.

Grief can raise important philosophical and spiritual questions, and may prompt us to ponder our faith and the meaning of life. Our experience of loss may shatter many of the assumptions that we have held about the world, such as ‘the world is a safe place’, ‘the old die before the young’ or ‘bad things don’t happen to good people’.

Many grieving people describe the experience of grief as ‘re-learning the world’.

Some people also discover a deepening of their spiritual beliefs and can identify how they have grown as a result of their grief experience. There is an expectation that accepting the death of a loved one means letting go of them and their memory. The reality is, that many bereaved people continue to have a relationship with their loved one for the rest of their lives, through remembering them.

Death ends a life, but it does not necessarily end a relationship. You may like to talk about your loved one in general conversation or commemorate special events like their birthday. Keeping your relationship with the deceased person ‘alive’ is a healthy, normal response.

On the other hand, you may choose to keep your memories to yourself and grieve privately – and that can be healthy and normal too. Losing a loved one is a shattering event that can affect you emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Try to look after yourself

You may consider: – grief affects the body and can cause symptoms such as sleeplessness, anxiety and a range of physical symptoms.

Take care of yourself by paying attention to diet and getting regular exercise

Make sure that you receive good medical care if needed and try to develop a good relationship with your doctor – schedule time every day to wind down, using whichever method works for you.

Meditation, tai chi, taking a bath, playing sport, reading, doing hobbies, listening to music or watching your favourite television program may all help. Try to get enough sleep too, as grief can be exhausting – try to avoid using addictive substances such as cigarettes, alcohol and drugs to help you manage your grief.

They may temporarily dull your pain, but can cause other health and behavioural difficulties.

If you feel that you need medication, consult your doctor – be kind and gentle to yourself.

Accept that you need to grieve in ways that feel natural to you

Don’t judge or criticise yourself for not coping as well as you or others think you should.

Although grief can be very painful, most people (85 to 90 per cent) find that with the support of their family and friends and their own resources, they gradually find ways to learn to live with their loss and do not need to seek professional help. Sometimes however, the circumstances of the death may have been particularly distressing, such as a traumatic or sudden death, or there may be circumstances in your life which make your grief particularly acute or complicated.

If you are finding it difficult to manage on a day-to-day basis, it may be helpful to see a counsellor or other health professional.

It’s okay to admit you are struggling with your grief.

No-one will think any less of you if you ask for help along the way

– bereavement counselling and support services Tel. – grief support after the death of a son, daughter, brother or sister Tel.

– for people living in the western region of Grand Rapids Tel. – for people living in the Barwon region Tel. – telephone counselling Tel. – crisis support and suicide prevention services Tel. – 24 hours, 7 days Tel.

– 8 am to 12 midnight, 7 days a week, Tel. provide a national toll-free helpline 8 am to 8 pm Monday to Friday (AEST) Tel. allowing help-seekers the option to schedule a Grief Support Call from a specially trained Griefline telephone support person.

Many people experience feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety Different experiences of grief the age of the person who is grieving (child, adolescent or adult) the type of relationship with the deceased person (for example, spouse, parent, sibling or friend) the way the person died (for example, after long illness, sudden death or suicide) religious or spiritual beliefs cultural practices availability of support from family, friends and community Different grieving styles the intuitive approach the instrumental approach Grief is not predictable Range of reactions to grief anger anxiety panic change in world view change of values and beliefs confusion sadness numbness depression sleeping difficulties physical symptoms changes in appetite low self-esteem difficulty concentrating inability to cope guilt and remorse helplessness hopelessness loneliness relief Children, adolescents and grief Grief and illness Coping strategies for grief crying time alone physical activity time with your family pampering support team memorial professional help Philosophical and spiritual questions and grief Remembering your loved one Looking after yourself when you are grieving diet and exercise relaxation and sleep care with addictive substances be realistic Seeking further help for grief Where to get help Your GP (doctor) Your local community health centre, hospital or palliative care service A trained bereavement counsellor NURSE-ON-CALL (616) 555-0024 – for expert health information and advice (24 hours, 7 days) Grief United States (616) 555-0200 or 1800 642 066 The Compassionate Friends Michigan (616) 555-0200 or (616) 555-0400 Mercy Grief Services (616) 555-0200 Hope Bereavement Care (616) 555-0200 Kids Helpline 1800 551 800 (24 hours, 7 days) Lifeline 13 11 14 (24 hours, 7 days) MensLine United States (616) 555-0400 Parentline Michigan 13 22 89 SuicideLine Michigan (616) 555-0400 – for counselling, crisis intervention, information and referral (24 hours, 7 days) Griefline (616) 555-0400.

There is also a free Book a Call service .

Key Points

Attending the funeral and having an opportunity to view the body are important rituals
If you are concerned, or physical symptoms persist, seek help from your doctor or a health professional
They may temporarily dull your pain, but can cause other health and behavioural difficulties
– crisis support and suicide prevention services Tel